Hello, all. I know that I have been really bad at writing blog posts because second semester of medical school was quite possibly the most intense thing I have ever done. With about a week and a half of vacation left, however, I should probably write this post that I've wanted to for a while....
Updates: I survived! My top three picks for where I maybe want to go in life are internal medicine, ER, and OB/GYN (much to my surprise!). Matt and I started going on dates in January against our school's advice not to date someone in your class, and I'm glad to say we've been together for several months now (and please don't jinx me, med school gods). Precepting went really well this summer.....and that's it for ya.
Today, I want to talk about something important. Conversation.
You might say, we have conversation every day with our friends, with random people, whatever. Of course we have conversation, Marguerite!
No. That's not the kind of conversation I'm talking about. Let me put it this way...I'm sure several of you hate how charged the political season gets and seeing it on facebook. Many of us take emotional defense to our beliefs, myself included in that statement....but, I genuinely believe that being so emotionally charged can have its downsides--especially on socially media--because it limits conversation. The way the political climate works nowadays is really about who can discredit who more until the time of the election, rather than actually having conversation and laying down ideas. I feel that fear of being discredited has slipped its way into our everyday lives to the point that so many of us don't have conversation with people who have opposite views than us...rather, instead, for our friends that may have opposing views, a lot of times we just elect to not talk about politics or religion or what have you (which, sometimes is necessary).
Here's how this harms us: we get so wrapped up in what WE think is right that we think that our view is the solution to everything and that everything the opposing side says is either wrong, insensitive, or would never work...particularly with more emotionally charged topics. Rather than having an in depth conversation with the person and showing respect for their views, we get behind keyboards and call each other stupid, horrifying names, and sometimes throw bible verses or YOU CAN'T JUDGE ME at each other.
The truth is, even two people on completely opposite sides of an issue have some common ground. Here, I'll give you an example.
For those of you who know me, you know that I'm very very pro choice. I have come to this conclusion after research, classes required to get my BS in biology, and of course the health care perspective. It is a fact that the number of abortion related deaths from things like septic abortion and other complications has dropped DRAMATICALLY since the legalization of abortion since Roe v. Wade, and as of now it is more dangerous to deliver a child than it is to have an abortion in the US. Personally, I cannot come to the conclusion that life begins at conception when things like the mid-blastula transition are known to exist. While several people on the pro-life side of things may disagree with me, I do view pregnancy is a health condition because IT IS a health condition: pre-ecclampsia, ecclampsia, gestational diabetes, GERD, etc. With that being said, it can also be a very special moment in a woman's life, but to force any woman to go through a full term pregnancy to me is a very immoral thing if that is not what she wants. PTSD is VERY real for several rape victims, for incest victims, and it of course would be wonderful if everyone could be "responsible" about sex but it doesn't always happen that way...not when 20% of women are sexually assaulted, nor when people have access to health care. Adoption is always an option, yes, but the foster system sucks and sometimes, situations in life can just suck. When life sucks, sometimes you gotta make tough decisions. This isn't a black and white issue. Embryos die all the time in other species (crude view, I know), and I see no reason to force a woman to continue a pregnancy until term.
With all of this being said, however, had it not been for my pro-life friends at Roanoke I would have missed out on a lot of things other than assuming that many people on the opposite side than I thought that I was a blood-thirsty baby killer. While yes, of course, debates were still heated with emotion at times, I learned a lot about what the pro-life side really stands for. My friends sought to improve life for women, too. They seek to preserve the potential of life (which, while I do not agree with this, I certainly respect it). Several of them hate the way women feel like they have to choose a career or a child. I can certainly agree with that, why the hell don't we have better maternity leave? Why does my career have to be centered around family planning? Why can't women be treated as equals without having to worry about pregnancy, and why is a woman getting pregnant so detrimental in the eyes of several jobs? So, as much as people can call pro-lifers anti-woman, most of them are quite the opposite of that. We also agreed on the fact that women shouldn't feel like they HAVE to have an abortion, that counseling about all of the options before making such an important decision is a good thing. Society shouldn't shame women who get abortions, but they also shouldn't shame women who keep a chid out of wedlock.
The most important thing we had in common, though? Reducing the number of abortions. Yes, as a pro-choicer, I too want to reduce the number of abortions because as a future health care provider, it helps my patients avoid unnecessary risks of surgical procedures or drugs. For them, it helps preserve life.
I could go into a rant about birth control and it's importance, but that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is that because we TALKED, because we had conversation, we learned more about each viewpoint and each other. We broke down stereotypes, and because we had conversation we can see that we aren't quite so different even though we definitely appear to have fundamental differences. Most importantly, while we may not agree on everything, we respect each other.
Now, imagine if congress and our world leaders actually talked and SHARED ideas....we could generate new ideas, we could compromise, and we could actually work together to generate real solutions.
The worst viewpoint is that of a single lens. Each perspective sheds light on a new thing that may have not been visible before. The more lenses you add, the more complete of a picture that you are able to see.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Monday, December 1, 2014
Because there are things about our culture that suck.
I started writing this in the airport on the way back from Notre Dame. Added a little and finished it. soooo enjoy!
Here are my routine updates:
Here are my routine updates:
One: ONE MORE BLOCK AND THEN I'M DONE ONE WITH BEING AN MS1!! ...and five more exams, no big deal.
Two: Have officially been to the midwest and got to see Kate! And part of a ND football game
Three: I'm more exhausted than ever
Today, I want to talk about some uncomfortable things. I'm assuming that most of you have seen the article that the Rolling Stone wrote about UVA. And, hopefully, were just as horrified by it as I was....
As a young woman, I can tell you that there are aspects of our culture that really suck for us. Maybe, first of all is my favorite: If I decide to have a random hook up with you, automatically I'm a slut/easy. If I tell you I'm not interested in hooking up with you, suddenly I'm a prude. If I want to protect myself, I should be careful about being on the pill because "then I won't care and it will just be okay for me to have sex whenever I want" circling back to the slut/easy comment. (Even though birth control is a legitimate treatment for people who have really bad periods, PMDD, and acne...and who cares if she's on the pill anyway, it's not anyone's business but her own)
Obviously, not all men/(people) are this way, but when half of today's popular songs are about how if I'm flirting with you, apparently I want my "ass split in two" it emphasizes a cultural problem. I've dealt with more than one pathetic guy who I told -- no thank you, I'm not interested, and because I didn't want to hook up with them THEY MADE ME FEEL BAD. They guilt tripped me because no, I didn't want to go home with them and I didn't care that they just bought me a drink at the bar, because you assholes, I didn't even ask for one (I've talked to more than one guy who says that if you let a guy buy you a drink, they think it's a ticket into your pants...sick). My other favorite thing is--"well you were dressed like you wanted to go home with someone." No. No no. Most of the time, I do it for myself. I'm not trying to go home with anyone, I just wanted to look nice. Maybe I just had a really rough week, or the guy I was into isn't into me anymore and I need to just let loose. Trust me, honey, it had nothing to do with me wanting to go home with you, and if it did I would.
You know what happens when a guy I'm interested in doesn't want to hook up with me? "Aww, man." That's it. That's the end of it. No, "what are you, a lesbian now?" or, when I was about to vomit, "that's not why you don't want to hook up with me, you're faking it" (Because yes, these are legitimately things that have been said to me because I said no, those of you who are more intimate with me know of other horrifying things as well).
It's sickening. Absolutely sickening. If I'm telling you no, or any other girl for that matter is telling you no, I'm not playing a damn game with you. I'm telling you no, and you should back up. And, with the poor girl in the article....I just cannot imagine the sick, sick guys that enjoyed stripping her of her pride and traumatizing her probably for what will be the rest of her life (though it seems that she is recovering, and my heart is certainly with her...however, you don't just forget things like that).
The saddest part to me of that entire article were her friends who refused to get her help because they were too concerned about their own social status. It's hard enough for a victim to cope with what has happened, because the survivor has her (or his) own burden of proving herself innocent...of convincing herself (or himself...don't wanna exclude anyone, I know it goes both ways) that there wasn't anything that they could've done to prevent it, that she(he) truly is a victim and that it isn't her(his) fault. To not have the support of your friends after such a traumatizing incident has to be just as traumatizing as the event itself, because it causes that questioning to go even deeper.
Rape doesn't have to be in an alleyway with a knife to your throat, in fact, it happens frequently with people that the victim DOES know. There may or may not be physical violence or drugs...there may only be words and psychological torment when the victim tries to say no. It doesn't discredit what happened if there wasn't violence or if it was with someone you happen to know. It. Is. Legitimate. And if it has happened to anyone reading this, please talk to someone. You aren't alone.
I mostly just find it sad that it's 2014 and I still run into guys who view women as objects. I'm sure there are women that do the same, I just don't know about them specifically, I don't want to leave anyone out. If someone tells you no, don't push it. Let it be. Please, respect their decision. Also, stop the victim shaming. No one, no matter what they're wearing or doing, is asking to be dehumanized by having their power to say no taken away from them, I promise. And it's just stupid anyways, because what about the victims of other crimes? No robber gets off because the victim shouldn't have been walking down that street at that time of night. Give. It. A. Rest.
I'm not sure how to get our culture to change, but I know that respect is a good place to start. Period.
The saddest part to me of that entire article were her friends who refused to get her help because they were too concerned about their own social status. It's hard enough for a victim to cope with what has happened, because the survivor has her (or his) own burden of proving herself innocent...of convincing herself (or himself...don't wanna exclude anyone, I know it goes both ways) that there wasn't anything that they could've done to prevent it, that she(he) truly is a victim and that it isn't her(his) fault. To not have the support of your friends after such a traumatizing incident has to be just as traumatizing as the event itself, because it causes that questioning to go even deeper.
Rape doesn't have to be in an alleyway with a knife to your throat, in fact, it happens frequently with people that the victim DOES know. There may or may not be physical violence or drugs...there may only be words and psychological torment when the victim tries to say no. It doesn't discredit what happened if there wasn't violence or if it was with someone you happen to know. It. Is. Legitimate. And if it has happened to anyone reading this, please talk to someone. You aren't alone.
I mostly just find it sad that it's 2014 and I still run into guys who view women as objects. I'm sure there are women that do the same, I just don't know about them specifically, I don't want to leave anyone out. If someone tells you no, don't push it. Let it be. Please, respect their decision. Also, stop the victim shaming. No one, no matter what they're wearing or doing, is asking to be dehumanized by having their power to say no taken away from them, I promise. And it's just stupid anyways, because what about the victims of other crimes? No robber gets off because the victim shouldn't have been walking down that street at that time of night. Give. It. A. Rest.
I'm not sure how to get our culture to change, but I know that respect is a good place to start. Period.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
That time I shadowed in ID and got all inspired to write this rant.
Here's my routine life updates:
I got my hair trimmed!
I passed I&I part 1!
And... I completed my OSCE today! (Objective Structured Clinical Examination)
Weee....now that that's over....
I mostly wanted to talk about my shadowing experience yesterday and a few other things.
So, I got to shadow Infectious Disease (ID) yesterday....and it was awesooommmeeeee, despite it being a slow day. I think the coolest thing to me was seeing the obvious link between medicine, biology, and the environment...and seeing some pretty obscure bugs that we talked about in class..like Acetinobacter baumanii, Nocardia, and coagulase negative Staph.
Maybe the most interesting thing that I saw was when I was in grand rounds and one of the attendings gave a presentation called "man vs. fish". Before I tell you why it was cool, I of course, have to get into my environmental rant...
If you don't think that climate change will have an impact on human health, spoiler alert....you're very wrong.
To allude to John Stewart's "Burn Noticed" video, yes, we can still breathe (if you haven't seen it...please watch it, and be appalled with the US House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space, and Technology). http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/8q3nmm/burn-noticed -- actually, there's the link. Definitely go watch it, after you finish reading the blog. The links between the environment and health are a little more subtle than CO2 suffocating us to death, but are still important nonetheless.
Okay, so think about this. Each ecosystem, whether on a grand scale--such as the temperate forest -- down to a much smaller level, like a leaf, have different organisms, nutrients, and factors that keep that system in balance. These factors can be temperature, precipitation, etc. There is a lot of research being done on at what point do these ecosystems become out of balance or differ from what they normally are (kudos to you, Steph Clements!)
So, I now get to debunk my favorite argument against the existence of "global warming". I put it in parentheses because the general public and a few congressmen(and women) belonging to a certain party cough cough have made the argument that "but the Earth isn't getting warmer, I can disprove this with a thermometer"
....le sigh. No, that is not what is happening. What is happening is much more complex and "global warming" is really causing a shift in climate patterns that is occurring much more rapidly than it normally would. So, yes, in some places...it will be warmer. In others, it will be colder. Some places will get more rain than others. Some places will experience drought. Sea levels will rise due to melting of the ice caps.
The point is, is that regardless of how the climate is changing, if it is CHANGING, most likely, the ecosystems that are currently present are going to be altered as well. This goes from a large animal scale--birds, deer, dogs, whatever--down to the microorganismal level. Especially the microorganismal level. The most obvious example of how climate change can impact the balance of ecosystems is the rise in sea levels creating a new habitat that was not previously there while also disrupting the previous ecosystem that WAS there. Some parts of the ecosystem will be fine and adapt and survive, but others may not and those niches will now open for new organisms.
Maybe, one of the organisms that was keeping the "bad bacteria" in check just got eliminated from the ecosystem. The bacteria now have a better chance of survival and thus pose an increased risk of infection. Maybe the rise in temperatures created a more suitable environment for the organism. An increase in precipitation could create more reservoirs for other organisms like bugs, which can carry disease (cough cough malaria, Lyme Disease).
So, what is my point? My point is that the incidence of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever has increased with increased temperatures and shows a correlation to climate change because the tick that transmits the disease is living longer. My point is the levels of Vibrio parahaemolyticus--a bacterium responsible for local infections with watery discharge that can rapidly progress to sepsis--have increased with the warming of waters that occurred when El Niño changed a few years ago (so...if the incidence of this bug increased with warming waters....you get the point). That was the bug mentioned in man vs. fish, and the same increase in temperature correlation goes with all Vibrio species (which, are the nasty little buggers, like Cholera, that cause food poisoning from raw seafood).
Not that I'm going to go on this rant today, but the water crisis and water quality are already major problems in the world anyway.
What I'm telling you is that while we may have a good handle on infectious disease now for the most part, as things change and these microorganisms evolve (because oh buddy Gonorrhoea is almost resistant to every antibiotic we have, let that sink in) we will probably be facing new epidemics. It won't happen immediately, but based on the way that nature tends to work I would put my money on it happening.
So, if you don't really like hugging trees like I do, or the balance of the ecosystem and its importance, you can at least care about yourself and humans. THIS is why taking hold of climate change is important, ladies and gentleman (well, one reason amongst many....). It will impact either your or your descendants health at some point in time, most likely.
Granted, who is really going to listen to some random chick on the interwebs ranting about bacteria and global warming, but..maybe I can at least get some people THINKING about why climate change is real and is such a big deal. (Dr. Suess, what)
On a side note, I think I've found a potential purpose in medicine if you couldn't tell by the rant. Hopefully my meeting with Dr. Bearman in regards to getting a Masters in Public Health will be insightful as to how I can further tie my three loves together: biology, the environment, and medicine.
To leave you with a quote:
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we to do the web, we do to ourselves. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the children of the Earth. - Chief Seattle.
I got my hair trimmed!
I passed I&I part 1!
And... I completed my OSCE today! (Objective Structured Clinical Examination)
Weee....now that that's over....
I mostly wanted to talk about my shadowing experience yesterday and a few other things.
So, I got to shadow Infectious Disease (ID) yesterday....and it was awesooommmeeeee, despite it being a slow day. I think the coolest thing to me was seeing the obvious link between medicine, biology, and the environment...and seeing some pretty obscure bugs that we talked about in class..like Acetinobacter baumanii, Nocardia, and coagulase negative Staph.
Maybe the most interesting thing that I saw was when I was in grand rounds and one of the attendings gave a presentation called "man vs. fish". Before I tell you why it was cool, I of course, have to get into my environmental rant...
If you don't think that climate change will have an impact on human health, spoiler alert....you're very wrong.
To allude to John Stewart's "Burn Noticed" video, yes, we can still breathe (if you haven't seen it...please watch it, and be appalled with the US House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space, and Technology). http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/8q3nmm/burn-noticed -- actually, there's the link. Definitely go watch it, after you finish reading the blog. The links between the environment and health are a little more subtle than CO2 suffocating us to death, but are still important nonetheless.
Okay, so think about this. Each ecosystem, whether on a grand scale--such as the temperate forest -- down to a much smaller level, like a leaf, have different organisms, nutrients, and factors that keep that system in balance. These factors can be temperature, precipitation, etc. There is a lot of research being done on at what point do these ecosystems become out of balance or differ from what they normally are (kudos to you, Steph Clements!)
So, I now get to debunk my favorite argument against the existence of "global warming". I put it in parentheses because the general public and a few congressmen(and women) belonging to a certain party cough cough have made the argument that "but the Earth isn't getting warmer, I can disprove this with a thermometer"
....le sigh. No, that is not what is happening. What is happening is much more complex and "global warming" is really causing a shift in climate patterns that is occurring much more rapidly than it normally would. So, yes, in some places...it will be warmer. In others, it will be colder. Some places will get more rain than others. Some places will experience drought. Sea levels will rise due to melting of the ice caps.
The point is, is that regardless of how the climate is changing, if it is CHANGING, most likely, the ecosystems that are currently present are going to be altered as well. This goes from a large animal scale--birds, deer, dogs, whatever--down to the microorganismal level. Especially the microorganismal level. The most obvious example of how climate change can impact the balance of ecosystems is the rise in sea levels creating a new habitat that was not previously there while also disrupting the previous ecosystem that WAS there. Some parts of the ecosystem will be fine and adapt and survive, but others may not and those niches will now open for new organisms.
Maybe, one of the organisms that was keeping the "bad bacteria" in check just got eliminated from the ecosystem. The bacteria now have a better chance of survival and thus pose an increased risk of infection. Maybe the rise in temperatures created a more suitable environment for the organism. An increase in precipitation could create more reservoirs for other organisms like bugs, which can carry disease (cough cough malaria, Lyme Disease).
So, what is my point? My point is that the incidence of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever has increased with increased temperatures and shows a correlation to climate change because the tick that transmits the disease is living longer. My point is the levels of Vibrio parahaemolyticus--a bacterium responsible for local infections with watery discharge that can rapidly progress to sepsis--have increased with the warming of waters that occurred when El Niño changed a few years ago (so...if the incidence of this bug increased with warming waters....you get the point). That was the bug mentioned in man vs. fish, and the same increase in temperature correlation goes with all Vibrio species (which, are the nasty little buggers, like Cholera, that cause food poisoning from raw seafood).
Not that I'm going to go on this rant today, but the water crisis and water quality are already major problems in the world anyway.
What I'm telling you is that while we may have a good handle on infectious disease now for the most part, as things change and these microorganisms evolve (because oh buddy Gonorrhoea is almost resistant to every antibiotic we have, let that sink in) we will probably be facing new epidemics. It won't happen immediately, but based on the way that nature tends to work I would put my money on it happening.
So, if you don't really like hugging trees like I do, or the balance of the ecosystem and its importance, you can at least care about yourself and humans. THIS is why taking hold of climate change is important, ladies and gentleman (well, one reason amongst many....). It will impact either your or your descendants health at some point in time, most likely.
Granted, who is really going to listen to some random chick on the interwebs ranting about bacteria and global warming, but..maybe I can at least get some people THINKING about why climate change is real and is such a big deal. (Dr. Suess, what)
On a side note, I think I've found a potential purpose in medicine if you couldn't tell by the rant. Hopefully my meeting with Dr. Bearman in regards to getting a Masters in Public Health will be insightful as to how I can further tie my three loves together: biology, the environment, and medicine.
To leave you with a quote:
Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we to do the web, we do to ourselves. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the children of the Earth. - Chief Seattle.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Maybe it's a quarterlife-crisis, or just a stirring in my soul....
Just to start things off, I'm still surviving. I know it's been almost a month....sorry. Remember that first post where I told you about how I would barely have time to faceplant into my pillow at night around the time pharm started up? ....yeah. But, once again, I passed, and it's on to the next block.
Just to give you an idea of how things are going, I just took a nap on the floor of our Med Ed building. Shamelessly. It's not the first time, I guarantee it will not be the last.
To give you a look into my day: I wake up, after hitting snooze around 10 times, around 7:30 (though admittedly...I need to be up earlier). If I make it to my 8 AM by 8:05, it's a pretty good day. I've gotten really good at sleeping through my alarms (I think the record was 5 alarms), then cursing myself afterwards. If I make it on time, I'm in lecture for four hours every morning. If I'm lucky, I'm done at noon. But, for example, today I had my chest and lung physical exam, so I was done around 1:45. That's also a good day. We have days where they hit us with Patient, Physician, and Society and Population Health and we're here for 9 hours...it's about the same when we have our Practice of Clinical Medicine small groups.
After I'm done with class, I then study for hours on end, drag myself to the gym for necessary revitalization, then plant my face back into the laptop until around 12:30 when I maybe write in my journal and get a quick meditation end. Wake up, repeat.
I'm exhausted.
Admittedly, I was driving home from my first free weekend a few weeks ago, and I just thought.. "What if I quit?"
I could sleep. Forever. And it would be awesome.
I could have some normal eating regimen that doesn't consist of microwavable chicken nuggets and ramen.
I could have a social life.
I could go be outside...in the forest, not surrounded by concrete.
I could maybe be somewhat sane again (given my baseline, though...that's limited)
I could learn about things other than medicine, I could write, I could explore.
Most importantly, I would have time to understand who I am, because I've forgotten.
Yeah. It seemed tempting for about an hour or two--two months, four exams, and no break really took a toll on my sanity and my well-being in general.
And then I thought....what on earth would I do? Travel, yes, that is what I want to do. Oh, except wait, I don't have money, and no one is going to pay me to travel to explore and find out who I am (though if you know if any jobs...let me know).
And then I came back to the age old question of....grad school. Maybe I should've been an environmental microbiologist. You know, I really miss thinking about the environment, I'm passionate about it, and someone in our generation needs to give a damn before the damage to our planet gets to the point of no return.
I hate memorizing, I want to be creative, I want to be myself, and I WANT OUT.
I want out of what, though? Is it med school? Is it the lifestyle? Is it just the first two years? What makes me feel so trapped....all of the time?
Admittedly, I don't have the answer, but I'm figuring it out. Thankfully, we started a new block...and it's my faaaaavorite (no sarcasm!)--immunity and infection. Yes, I am the kid that sits at her table and goes OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL when she learns about how Listeria monocytogenes hijacks actin in cells to move around the body, or how Yersinia pestis kills macrophages, cuing concerned "wtf" looks from the rest of my table group.
So, I'm enjoying something again. That's a big step for me...because, well, I'm used to being happy-go-lucky (with...well..intermittent neuroses, fine), enjoying life, and waking up excited to start the day. I haven't had that since midway through physiology, and it has been...well, hard.
Medicine used to ignite such a flame in my heart, and I'm struggling to remember what lit the fire in the first place. I decided on my career when I was so young, and what if I missed the signs that I'm really meant to do something else? It's a noble profession, a beautiful one, but what if...it's not right?
I think the thing that has been getting me lately is that I know that there are other things that do fuel that fire, like discovery, teaching, the environment, biology in general (not just the med stuff), learning, and most importantly...making a difference. I guess, what I'm trying to figure out is if my passions have to be mutually exclusive and whether or not I've changed. And, the pressure that has been placed on me for years to come home and practice has admittedly been part of my questioning. Who am I really doing this journey for, and what the hell do I want out of it anyways?
I'm currently set up with some of the docs in the infectious disease department to talk about research and to get some shadowing in. I'm currently considering a Masters of Public Health (why I think tacking on a fifth year sounds like a good idea, I don't know) to see what options that will give me. I'm optimistic.
Maybe it's the commitment, knowing that I'm finally hitting that phase in my life where I'm settling down and actually set on a career. For the first time since I was fifteen, I genuinely feel like I have no idea what I want to do with my life....and, you know what, I'm realizing that it is okay.
I can tell you that I haven't quit yet though, and that means something. I think that passion is in my heart, somewhere, I just need to figure out how to keep it burning and its place in my life.
Oh, and I met a third year that actually said "it's nice not to be clinically depressed anymore" when referring to being done with the first two years and finally being in rotations. I've been told by Academic Services that third year will be a magical time for me, so we'll see.
Regardless, I'll figure it out. What's important is that right now, I figure myself out. That's more important than any exam I will ever take.
Just to give you an idea of how things are going, I just took a nap on the floor of our Med Ed building. Shamelessly. It's not the first time, I guarantee it will not be the last.
To give you a look into my day: I wake up, after hitting snooze around 10 times, around 7:30 (though admittedly...I need to be up earlier). If I make it to my 8 AM by 8:05, it's a pretty good day. I've gotten really good at sleeping through my alarms (I think the record was 5 alarms), then cursing myself afterwards. If I make it on time, I'm in lecture for four hours every morning. If I'm lucky, I'm done at noon. But, for example, today I had my chest and lung physical exam, so I was done around 1:45. That's also a good day. We have days where they hit us with Patient, Physician, and Society and Population Health and we're here for 9 hours...it's about the same when we have our Practice of Clinical Medicine small groups.
After I'm done with class, I then study for hours on end, drag myself to the gym for necessary revitalization, then plant my face back into the laptop until around 12:30 when I maybe write in my journal and get a quick meditation end. Wake up, repeat.
I'm exhausted.
Admittedly, I was driving home from my first free weekend a few weeks ago, and I just thought.. "What if I quit?"
I could sleep. Forever. And it would be awesome.
I could have some normal eating regimen that doesn't consist of microwavable chicken nuggets and ramen.
I could have a social life.
I could go be outside...in the forest, not surrounded by concrete.
I could maybe be somewhat sane again (given my baseline, though...that's limited)
I could learn about things other than medicine, I could write, I could explore.
Most importantly, I would have time to understand who I am, because I've forgotten.
Yeah. It seemed tempting for about an hour or two--two months, four exams, and no break really took a toll on my sanity and my well-being in general.
And then I thought....what on earth would I do? Travel, yes, that is what I want to do. Oh, except wait, I don't have money, and no one is going to pay me to travel to explore and find out who I am (though if you know if any jobs...let me know).
And then I came back to the age old question of....grad school. Maybe I should've been an environmental microbiologist. You know, I really miss thinking about the environment, I'm passionate about it, and someone in our generation needs to give a damn before the damage to our planet gets to the point of no return.
I hate memorizing, I want to be creative, I want to be myself, and I WANT OUT.
I want out of what, though? Is it med school? Is it the lifestyle? Is it just the first two years? What makes me feel so trapped....all of the time?
Admittedly, I don't have the answer, but I'm figuring it out. Thankfully, we started a new block...and it's my faaaaavorite (no sarcasm!)--immunity and infection. Yes, I am the kid that sits at her table and goes OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL when she learns about how Listeria monocytogenes hijacks actin in cells to move around the body, or how Yersinia pestis kills macrophages, cuing concerned "wtf" looks from the rest of my table group.
So, I'm enjoying something again. That's a big step for me...because, well, I'm used to being happy-go-lucky (with...well..intermittent neuroses, fine), enjoying life, and waking up excited to start the day. I haven't had that since midway through physiology, and it has been...well, hard.
Medicine used to ignite such a flame in my heart, and I'm struggling to remember what lit the fire in the first place. I decided on my career when I was so young, and what if I missed the signs that I'm really meant to do something else? It's a noble profession, a beautiful one, but what if...it's not right?
I think the thing that has been getting me lately is that I know that there are other things that do fuel that fire, like discovery, teaching, the environment, biology in general (not just the med stuff), learning, and most importantly...making a difference. I guess, what I'm trying to figure out is if my passions have to be mutually exclusive and whether or not I've changed. And, the pressure that has been placed on me for years to come home and practice has admittedly been part of my questioning. Who am I really doing this journey for, and what the hell do I want out of it anyways?
I'm currently set up with some of the docs in the infectious disease department to talk about research and to get some shadowing in. I'm currently considering a Masters of Public Health (why I think tacking on a fifth year sounds like a good idea, I don't know) to see what options that will give me. I'm optimistic.
Maybe it's the commitment, knowing that I'm finally hitting that phase in my life where I'm settling down and actually set on a career. For the first time since I was fifteen, I genuinely feel like I have no idea what I want to do with my life....and, you know what, I'm realizing that it is okay.
I can tell you that I haven't quit yet though, and that means something. I think that passion is in my heart, somewhere, I just need to figure out how to keep it burning and its place in my life.
Oh, and I met a third year that actually said "it's nice not to be clinically depressed anymore" when referring to being done with the first two years and finally being in rotations. I've been told by Academic Services that third year will be a magical time for me, so we'll see.
Regardless, I'll figure it out. What's important is that right now, I figure myself out. That's more important than any exam I will ever take.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Physiology and love
Hi hi, sorry it has taken me so long to write my next post....I tried to keep up with the once a week thing, but then I started physiology. Anyone who has tried to be in contact with me since the block started knows that I barely had time to respond to text messages, much less take the time to write a blog.
In my own life: I got to see the mountains a few weekends ago, and I get to see them again this weekend. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as being surrounded by the grandiose mountains that I love so much. Brace yourself, here comes the hippie: to me, there's nothing quite like being surrounded by nature and being connected to the Earth. It makes me feel, well, free. Otherwise, I did get to see my family, and Matt (PS--I miss all of you Roanoke kids!) for a little bit and watch some football (even though the hokies had no idea how to substitute)...not having ESPN in my cable package is blasphemy, I tell you.
Unfortunately, this is mostly what my life has looked like (so it's not like I would've had time to watch football anyway):
Good news: I SURVIVED THAT PILE OF PAPERS (aka I just passed my physiology exam). Big props to all of my professors at Roanoke who taught me to understand things because I'm pretty sure that's why I was able to survive this one. I was so uncertain of myself while I was taking the exam--I was fairly confident that I wasn't getting enough questions right because this exam was the hardest exam I've had in a looonnngggg time. My adrenal medulla was stimulated by my sympathetic nervous system when I clicked submit (ha, ha) and I had such a huge adrenaline (epi) surge that I'm pretty sure the people around me could hear my sigh of relief and my legs were shaky when I stood up to leave.
Bad news: for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that I've been excited about VCU's HOMBRE program since I found out about it my junior year of college at VCU's open house. It combined basically everything that I want: Spanish, working with underserved populations, traveling, and how to manage community health (yes, I am that kid that likes pop health). And, for those of you who really know me, you know I love ranting about the water crisis. Several of projects were focused on improving water quality and reducing waterborne illness. Unfortunately, I was put on the wait list. It was a little bit of a blow right before my physiology exam because I wanted it sooooo badly, but I'm sure it happened for a reason.
Actually, I'm just starting to think I'm not meant to go to Peru. (considering that was my number one choice for this trip and my original trip to Peru for mayterm got cancelled...which, might I add, was a blessing in disguise--the Camino changed my life!)
On the bright side, I may go visit Victoria in Spain? Maybe go to Colorado with dad? If I don't wind up doing research....not sure if I want to work in a lab, mostly because public health projects tickle my fancy a little more. I really have a passion for the environment, in case you've never seen my car plastered with hippie stickers like : I <3 Mountains, or Ignore the environment, it will go away, or the Darwin fish. I feel like public health opens up some doors for me to tie the environment and our health, and how keeping both of them in good shape is better for us in the long run. But....
Qué será, será.
One more exciting thing: I have contacted an infectious disease specialist with basically all of the same interests as mine so I will be able to shadow him in November. I'll keep you all posted as to how that goes. :)
Ok. As far as other things I'd like to talk about...
I'm sure that I'll get some disgruntled feedback (whether or not it's actually given to me) from saying this, but I don't care so here's what I think. I've investigated religions of all types since high school, I've been searching for something that fits me and I haven't quite found my mold yet. I'm somewhere close to Buddhism, I like Jesus, and I think the Hindus have some pretty cool points: the idea of Brahman and a proverb stating, "there are many paths up the same mountain, and as long as you take your path in good faith, you will reach the top." Every time I meditate/pray (mostly, I call it sending good vibes), I search for this spiritual connection. When I find said spiritual connection....it's overpowering love, and it's amazing. And it's in this moment, right now. Not the past. Not the future. Now.
Gandhi, one of the most amazing people to walk the earth, in my opinion, has this to say: God is love. God is truth.
I've always thought those things, as they are as pure and as good as they could be. But last night, while I was deep in meditation...it occurred to me: what if God is the love that is shared between all creatures? Just an interesting thought of mine, and it seemed to fit. Love overpowers evil. God, being, whatever you wanna call it is the love force between all people, the truth force, regardless of religion.
I don't think that God has a religion. I think that religions are used, when they are used for good, to uncover this powerful love. The powerful love of Jesus that the Bible preaches, the Namaste that I say at the end of every meditation...it's the same thing.
Unless South Park is right, and only Mormons go to heaven.
Anywhozzle, this brings me to the importance of this powerful love. With recent events in the news, the world seems mildly chaotic from ISIS to Jesse Matthews. Maybe, it's just the flaming flower-child at the root of my soul...but I don't get angry with ISIS. I get sad, disheartened. I only pray that one day they know love, that somehow love reaches them and touches their souls because they have all obviously been taught only hatred. (Sidenote: I really feel like Acts of Faith by Eboo Patel is almost essential for truly understanding this ongoing crisis) I just don't think fighting them with hatred at the core of our hearts will do us any good. I'm not against the war against them, in fact, I am for it. They need to be stopped...they like killing, which terrifies me (and obviously proves that they do not know the true meaning of being/God/love) and I have full respect and gratitude for the people risking their lives to protect us from such hatred. But do I think that once defeated, every person in that community should be killed? Never.
As far as Matthews goes, it has been an unsettling reminder to me for reasons that I will choose not to discuss. He's a sociopath, undoubtedly. However, even if he is a serial killer... Hating him won't solve anything, though I certainly understand the grief and anger all of the families must be experiencing and sympathize whole heartedly. Killing him via the death penalty, however, does not seem to be the answer to me...neither does applauding his death if it is to happen. It just has never made sense to me to kill someone else for killing. And really...is there any real humane way to kill? In the words of Gandhi, again, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Strangely enough, an act of love actually MEANS not being manipulated and instead standing up for the right thing. It's not about being mushy gushy and being a pushover or allowing a person/group of persons to continue with destructive behavior...when the occasion calls for it, it's quite the opposite.
It greatly disturbed me to hear of the man who beheaded someone in the united states after finding out he lost his job, but it disturbed me even more to hear a police officer who had had contact with him several years prior say "if I would have known, I would have killed the son of a bitch then." Stand up for what's right, don't be manipulated...but fighting hatred with more hatred only fuels the fire you were trying to extinguish in the first place.
Granted, who am I kidding. I don't know all of the answers, I just hope that the good force in the world remains strong.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hatred cannot extinguish hatred, only love can do that.
-Marguerite
In my own life: I got to see the mountains a few weekends ago, and I get to see them again this weekend. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as being surrounded by the grandiose mountains that I love so much. Brace yourself, here comes the hippie: to me, there's nothing quite like being surrounded by nature and being connected to the Earth. It makes me feel, well, free. Otherwise, I did get to see my family, and Matt (PS--I miss all of you Roanoke kids!) for a little bit and watch some football (even though the hokies had no idea how to substitute)...not having ESPN in my cable package is blasphemy, I tell you.
Unfortunately, this is mostly what my life has looked like (so it's not like I would've had time to watch football anyway):
Good news: I SURVIVED THAT PILE OF PAPERS (aka I just passed my physiology exam). Big props to all of my professors at Roanoke who taught me to understand things because I'm pretty sure that's why I was able to survive this one. I was so uncertain of myself while I was taking the exam--I was fairly confident that I wasn't getting enough questions right because this exam was the hardest exam I've had in a looonnngggg time. My adrenal medulla was stimulated by my sympathetic nervous system when I clicked submit (ha, ha) and I had such a huge adrenaline (epi) surge that I'm pretty sure the people around me could hear my sigh of relief and my legs were shaky when I stood up to leave.
Bad news: for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that I've been excited about VCU's HOMBRE program since I found out about it my junior year of college at VCU's open house. It combined basically everything that I want: Spanish, working with underserved populations, traveling, and how to manage community health (yes, I am that kid that likes pop health). And, for those of you who really know me, you know I love ranting about the water crisis. Several of projects were focused on improving water quality and reducing waterborne illness. Unfortunately, I was put on the wait list. It was a little bit of a blow right before my physiology exam because I wanted it sooooo badly, but I'm sure it happened for a reason.
Actually, I'm just starting to think I'm not meant to go to Peru. (considering that was my number one choice for this trip and my original trip to Peru for mayterm got cancelled...which, might I add, was a blessing in disguise--the Camino changed my life!)
On the bright side, I may go visit Victoria in Spain? Maybe go to Colorado with dad? If I don't wind up doing research....not sure if I want to work in a lab, mostly because public health projects tickle my fancy a little more. I really have a passion for the environment, in case you've never seen my car plastered with hippie stickers like : I <3 Mountains, or Ignore the environment, it will go away, or the Darwin fish. I feel like public health opens up some doors for me to tie the environment and our health, and how keeping both of them in good shape is better for us in the long run. But....
Qué será, será.
One more exciting thing: I have contacted an infectious disease specialist with basically all of the same interests as mine so I will be able to shadow him in November. I'll keep you all posted as to how that goes. :)
Ok. As far as other things I'd like to talk about...
I'm sure that I'll get some disgruntled feedback (whether or not it's actually given to me) from saying this, but I don't care so here's what I think. I've investigated religions of all types since high school, I've been searching for something that fits me and I haven't quite found my mold yet. I'm somewhere close to Buddhism, I like Jesus, and I think the Hindus have some pretty cool points: the idea of Brahman and a proverb stating, "there are many paths up the same mountain, and as long as you take your path in good faith, you will reach the top." Every time I meditate/pray (mostly, I call it sending good vibes), I search for this spiritual connection. When I find said spiritual connection....it's overpowering love, and it's amazing. And it's in this moment, right now. Not the past. Not the future. Now.
Gandhi, one of the most amazing people to walk the earth, in my opinion, has this to say: God is love. God is truth.
I've always thought those things, as they are as pure and as good as they could be. But last night, while I was deep in meditation...it occurred to me: what if God is the love that is shared between all creatures? Just an interesting thought of mine, and it seemed to fit. Love overpowers evil. God, being, whatever you wanna call it is the love force between all people, the truth force, regardless of religion.
I don't think that God has a religion. I think that religions are used, when they are used for good, to uncover this powerful love. The powerful love of Jesus that the Bible preaches, the Namaste that I say at the end of every meditation...it's the same thing.
Unless South Park is right, and only Mormons go to heaven.
Anywhozzle, this brings me to the importance of this powerful love. With recent events in the news, the world seems mildly chaotic from ISIS to Jesse Matthews. Maybe, it's just the flaming flower-child at the root of my soul...but I don't get angry with ISIS. I get sad, disheartened. I only pray that one day they know love, that somehow love reaches them and touches their souls because they have all obviously been taught only hatred. (Sidenote: I really feel like Acts of Faith by Eboo Patel is almost essential for truly understanding this ongoing crisis) I just don't think fighting them with hatred at the core of our hearts will do us any good. I'm not against the war against them, in fact, I am for it. They need to be stopped...they like killing, which terrifies me (and obviously proves that they do not know the true meaning of being/God/love) and I have full respect and gratitude for the people risking their lives to protect us from such hatred. But do I think that once defeated, every person in that community should be killed? Never.
As far as Matthews goes, it has been an unsettling reminder to me for reasons that I will choose not to discuss. He's a sociopath, undoubtedly. However, even if he is a serial killer... Hating him won't solve anything, though I certainly understand the grief and anger all of the families must be experiencing and sympathize whole heartedly. Killing him via the death penalty, however, does not seem to be the answer to me...neither does applauding his death if it is to happen. It just has never made sense to me to kill someone else for killing. And really...is there any real humane way to kill? In the words of Gandhi, again, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Strangely enough, an act of love actually MEANS not being manipulated and instead standing up for the right thing. It's not about being mushy gushy and being a pushover or allowing a person/group of persons to continue with destructive behavior...when the occasion calls for it, it's quite the opposite.
It greatly disturbed me to hear of the man who beheaded someone in the united states after finding out he lost his job, but it disturbed me even more to hear a police officer who had had contact with him several years prior say "if I would have known, I would have killed the son of a bitch then." Stand up for what's right, don't be manipulated...but fighting hatred with more hatred only fuels the fire you were trying to extinguish in the first place.
Granted, who am I kidding. I don't know all of the answers, I just hope that the good force in the world remains strong.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hatred cannot extinguish hatred, only love can do that.
-Marguerite
Monday, September 15, 2014
The secret to happiness: realizing you're luckier than you think you are
So, I survived the Molecular Basis of Health and Disease block as of today! Albeit a small milestone, I'm still really happy to be done for a few hours before physiology starts up tomorrow and to have proved to myself that I can adjust to the changing test format and schedule. I will admit though, I'm quite tired... But, thank you to all of you who wished me good luck or congratulated me. It sounds silly, but it really means a lot to me. The small things always do.
Anywhozzle, that's about as much of an update as you're going to get because as I have mentioned my personal life is about as exciting as watching ice melt. I did find a bar that carries Peg Leg this weekend though (we were studying...I promise...after we watched football). Other than that....I got nothin.
The post that I'm writing today is more philosophical in nature so for those of you who are just here for the updates and don't care about reading whatever crazy things my brain pumps out, this is your cue to stop reading.
Lately, I can't help but notice how stupidly happy I am. Moreso than at any other period in my life, I've found myself counting my blessings and and finding out how lucky I've really been.
It's funny, because my grandfather and father have coined the phrase "happiness is a choice." My yoga and meditation experiences have revolved around the same underlying message of being thankful for what you can do and building positive energy. It hasn't really been until lately, though, that I've truly understood how powerful and true of a statement it is.
"Happiness is a choice" is a phrase that was drilled into my brain at a young age and I saw it first hand when my Granddad had a stroke when I was in the third grade. It was a freak, 1 in a million chance thing, his stroke. Doctors maybe gave him one to two years to live and told him he would never walk again...obviously, they underestimated my grandfather, who lived 9 more years and was able to walk up and down the stairs with the assistance of my father and a cane. His triumph over his physical illness wasn't what was the most amazing to me though: the man that threw a football around, shot basketball, and played tag with my cousin, sister, and I was wheelchair bound and didn't have one bad thing to say. He never complained. He never blamed anyone else for his condition. He was a living example of his own phrase, each and every day, up until the day that he died.
That is perhaps the first thing I consider myself blessed for: having excellent role models who taught me to count my blessings. I'm not sure how many of you have heard of Acts of Faith by Eboo Patel, if you haven't...it's worth the read. However, Eboo's main point is that the way an individual turns out depends on who has taught them, and what they have been taught by the people that have influenced them most. I can't place enough emphasis on how lucky I am to have been taught hard work, empathy, selflessness, kindness, tolerance, having an open mind, and most importantly: love. I find that these are all components of my own happiness--the more I practice love, the harder I work, and the more I open myself to the world of possibilities...the happier I am.
Basically, I can have a really shitty day or have something really shitty done to me. It's okay that I get mad, upset, frustrated...but what's important is that at the end of the day, I come back to counting all of the great things, great people, and great friends that I have--that I focus on the good that I can do for other people, not just worrying about myself. Life goes on, go on with it. In my 22 years, I've found that the wall that I felt like I just ran into had a doorknob that I didn't see because I was too busy being pissed off at the world to look for it. Turn it.
This brings me to point two: When you realize that YOU don't matter, and that you owe the world instead of it owing you...that's when you'll be happy. That's a favorite of Dad's as well. I always appreciated the phrase, but I didn't really "get it" until I was mid-meditation one night and it finally clicked. You can stress over how people perceive you, if you're well liked, whatever. You can be preoccupied with all of the things that are entirely beyond your control and in the end not move an inch. Between meditation, yoga, and this phrase, I've come up with the ultimate conclusion. Hell no, I don't matter. I'm never going to be able to control how people think about me, I'm never going to be able to control what they say or do. That's okay, I don't want to. It's not social status, it's not what other people want you to be. It's about realizing that that shit doesn't matter anyway and it's not anything that you should waste your time on because it will never make you happy. It's out of your control. Let it be.
When you let go of this overwhelming pressure to fit in, to be whoever society or who people want you to be because you realize that YOU don't matter (aka, your "reputation," I guess for lack of a better word), it's so much easier to just be yourself. The things that do matter: doing the right thing, doing for others, and doing the best that you can for this world...whatever that is. The more you focus on those things instead of how the world perceives you (because oh honey there's always gonna be someone that doesn't like you for who knows what reason)--it's amazing how much better you feel and how much easier it is to love yourself for all of the wonderful things you can do.
I've found that sharing love is the fertilizer for love itself and that the only person stopping you from growing a garden is yourself. Negativity, wishing ill on those who wish ill on you is toxic to that garden. Once again, you can't control them. Let it go. Don't harbor your own poison.
I guess, lastly, I'm so lucky to have people that make me better and help me grow each and every day. You know who you are. I'm thankful for the people that have knocked me down, just because you've shown me how to get up with 10x the strength as before-you're part of the reason that I'm sitting here writing this right now. I'm lucky to have gone to an undergrad institution that taught me to be an independent thinker and gave me the best education I could have ever asked for, and I'm thankful to be part of such an amazing institution as VCU. Hell, I'm even thankful for being in the city because I know when I see those blue ridge mountains this weekend it's going to take my breath away. I'm thankful, to just be sitting here, breathing and thinking...to grow up in a time where I can make a difference and to take the world by storm.
The world isn't going to create conditions for your happiness. You have to create them.
-Marguerite
Anywhozzle, that's about as much of an update as you're going to get because as I have mentioned my personal life is about as exciting as watching ice melt. I did find a bar that carries Peg Leg this weekend though (we were studying...I promise...after we watched football). Other than that....I got nothin.
The post that I'm writing today is more philosophical in nature so for those of you who are just here for the updates and don't care about reading whatever crazy things my brain pumps out, this is your cue to stop reading.
Lately, I can't help but notice how stupidly happy I am. Moreso than at any other period in my life, I've found myself counting my blessings and and finding out how lucky I've really been.
It's funny, because my grandfather and father have coined the phrase "happiness is a choice." My yoga and meditation experiences have revolved around the same underlying message of being thankful for what you can do and building positive energy. It hasn't really been until lately, though, that I've truly understood how powerful and true of a statement it is.
"Happiness is a choice" is a phrase that was drilled into my brain at a young age and I saw it first hand when my Granddad had a stroke when I was in the third grade. It was a freak, 1 in a million chance thing, his stroke. Doctors maybe gave him one to two years to live and told him he would never walk again...obviously, they underestimated my grandfather, who lived 9 more years and was able to walk up and down the stairs with the assistance of my father and a cane. His triumph over his physical illness wasn't what was the most amazing to me though: the man that threw a football around, shot basketball, and played tag with my cousin, sister, and I was wheelchair bound and didn't have one bad thing to say. He never complained. He never blamed anyone else for his condition. He was a living example of his own phrase, each and every day, up until the day that he died.
That is perhaps the first thing I consider myself blessed for: having excellent role models who taught me to count my blessings. I'm not sure how many of you have heard of Acts of Faith by Eboo Patel, if you haven't...it's worth the read. However, Eboo's main point is that the way an individual turns out depends on who has taught them, and what they have been taught by the people that have influenced them most. I can't place enough emphasis on how lucky I am to have been taught hard work, empathy, selflessness, kindness, tolerance, having an open mind, and most importantly: love. I find that these are all components of my own happiness--the more I practice love, the harder I work, and the more I open myself to the world of possibilities...the happier I am.
Basically, I can have a really shitty day or have something really shitty done to me. It's okay that I get mad, upset, frustrated...but what's important is that at the end of the day, I come back to counting all of the great things, great people, and great friends that I have--that I focus on the good that I can do for other people, not just worrying about myself. Life goes on, go on with it. In my 22 years, I've found that the wall that I felt like I just ran into had a doorknob that I didn't see because I was too busy being pissed off at the world to look for it. Turn it.
This brings me to point two: When you realize that YOU don't matter, and that you owe the world instead of it owing you...that's when you'll be happy. That's a favorite of Dad's as well. I always appreciated the phrase, but I didn't really "get it" until I was mid-meditation one night and it finally clicked. You can stress over how people perceive you, if you're well liked, whatever. You can be preoccupied with all of the things that are entirely beyond your control and in the end not move an inch. Between meditation, yoga, and this phrase, I've come up with the ultimate conclusion. Hell no, I don't matter. I'm never going to be able to control how people think about me, I'm never going to be able to control what they say or do. That's okay, I don't want to. It's not social status, it's not what other people want you to be. It's about realizing that that shit doesn't matter anyway and it's not anything that you should waste your time on because it will never make you happy. It's out of your control. Let it be.
When you let go of this overwhelming pressure to fit in, to be whoever society or who people want you to be because you realize that YOU don't matter (aka, your "reputation," I guess for lack of a better word), it's so much easier to just be yourself. The things that do matter: doing the right thing, doing for others, and doing the best that you can for this world...whatever that is. The more you focus on those things instead of how the world perceives you (because oh honey there's always gonna be someone that doesn't like you for who knows what reason)--it's amazing how much better you feel and how much easier it is to love yourself for all of the wonderful things you can do.
I've found that sharing love is the fertilizer for love itself and that the only person stopping you from growing a garden is yourself. Negativity, wishing ill on those who wish ill on you is toxic to that garden. Once again, you can't control them. Let it go. Don't harbor your own poison.
I guess, lastly, I'm so lucky to have people that make me better and help me grow each and every day. You know who you are. I'm thankful for the people that have knocked me down, just because you've shown me how to get up with 10x the strength as before-you're part of the reason that I'm sitting here writing this right now. I'm lucky to have gone to an undergrad institution that taught me to be an independent thinker and gave me the best education I could have ever asked for, and I'm thankful to be part of such an amazing institution as VCU. Hell, I'm even thankful for being in the city because I know when I see those blue ridge mountains this weekend it's going to take my breath away. I'm thankful, to just be sitting here, breathing and thinking...to grow up in a time where I can make a difference and to take the world by storm.
The world isn't going to create conditions for your happiness. You have to create them.
-Marguerite
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Life is a jumble and so is this post.
For those of you that know me, you know that I rarely go into anything in life with a plan because let's be real... I hate plans, for the most part. Why should I do this first blog post any differently?
A few starting statements:
1) Sometimes, this blog will be about my life.
2) Sometimes, this blog will be about whatever happens to be going through my head that day...this can include anything from provoking thoughts to things I've written about in my personal journal to philosophical jumbles that occasionally spew from my mouth (or hands, in this case).
3) I will try and keep those interested in reading posted with updates about med school, adventures, and my personal life (warning: my personal life won't excite you because it essentially exists of studying, sleeping, eating, gym-ing, and showering for right now)
4) Occasionally, if I take them, there will be photos!
5) It's my goal to update this thing once a week. Bear with me as med school calls and I barely have time to faceplant into my pillow at night because it's bound to happen...especially with pharmacology -cue whimpering and fearful sounds-
OKAY! So let's get started. What is it that I want to talk about today?
How about this: I'll start out with a quick update about life.
For those of you just joining this adventure of mine, I started medical school at the VCU SOM back in August (and for those of you REALLY just starting, it has been my dream to go to medical school since I was 15 after shadowing Dr. Brown for the first time as a high school sophomore). Most of my time is spent in what I like to call my textbook cave...which is really just my laptop and a binder and condensed notes spread out over my tiny desk, but that's okay. So far, I really like the school. I made a really solid group of friends back in June when I was here for the prematriculation program, and I'm really thankful for that. I've met incredibly awesome people so far--and yes, we do go have fun sometimes!
Oh, oh, I passed my first exam too. Considering I didn't do so well in the prematriculation program, that was a big deal for me. Most of you who know me know that I am unbelievably thankful for all of my experiences at Roanoke College and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world, but, multiple choice tests aren't my thing...especially after having all short answer and essay questions for four years. I know my stuff and I know how to apply and see the big picture...buuuttt, regurgitation and choosing A, B, C or D really aren't my forte. I know that sounds strange, but hey, that's my life.
Things I'm good at: big picture (as I mentioned), tying things together, and patient skills. I love interviewing, probably because Dr. Brown decided to scare the crap out of college freshman Marguerite and throw her into patients rooms by herself and made her conduct interviews...and, occasionally, attempt to make Dxs. I love it!
Don't get me wrong, most of the time I think that I can do it. However, I have moments when I genuinely think that VCU picked the wrong file to choose for admittance back in February and I have the mild spaz attack of "I can't regurgitate I should've gone to grad school." I can tell you though that I have caved and started looking at grad school programs in one of said spaz attacks...and, well, it didn't feel right. Do I want to do research here? Yes, I would love to IF I don't get the latin american outreach trip that I want this summer. I think there's something else that I need, some other piece other than being just a physician...whatever that piece is. Sometimes I think it's being an environmental advocate, sometimes I think it's doing research on top of clinic, sometimes I think it's trying to barge into congress and tell them they're not doctors and they don't know what the hell they're talking about in terms of healthcare. Other times I think that my "extra" calling at that point of my life will be my bed as I'm a month into first year and I'm already pretty exhausted. We'll see, life's a journey...so why should this be any different? I'm slowly learning the only way to conquer challenges is by stopping the "I can't" bullshit and just doing it, even if it means faceplanting into the ground sometimes. I'll learn how not to faceplant next time (or, at least, I hope so).
Hmmm...Richmond. Richmond is cool, much different from the big bad worlds of Covington and Roanoke...I love the diversity, and the food here (and beer...Sam Smith's Organic Chocolate Stout is at one of my favorite bars!) is excellent. I love the culture and the opportunities to experience it--let's be real, the flower child's favorite thing is diversity. However, this flower child's other favorite thing is nature and there's really none of that here. I miss my mountains. I miss hiking terribly. I need some nature therapy ASAP, and maybe some horse therapy when I can fit it in. I'm looking forward to escaping the concrete jungle and getting lost in the forest.
Okay, eventually, I'll write more. But as of right now, I have a date with genetics that I'm late for (sorry, bae).
Take home message: ultreia. I'm focusing on what I can do in the here and now, learning from the past, and trying to be as positive as I can about the future. I've tried to stop the whole complaining thing too, because the way I see it...I'm just gonna complain about being tired for the rest of my life, and well, that gets redundant. No one likes redundancy, or bitching.
Toodaloo, ta-ta for now!
Marguerite
Sidenote: My Meyers-Briggs type is ENFP according to the personality test VCU made me take...scarily accurate, and my perceiving score, or the P of the ENFP (aka the thing that represents my inability to plan or be organized and instead just go with it) was so high I got called out in class as an example. Sorry for all of my friends who are J's and like solid planning. And organization. That too.
A few starting statements:
1) Sometimes, this blog will be about my life.
2) Sometimes, this blog will be about whatever happens to be going through my head that day...this can include anything from provoking thoughts to things I've written about in my personal journal to philosophical jumbles that occasionally spew from my mouth (or hands, in this case).
3) I will try and keep those interested in reading posted with updates about med school, adventures, and my personal life (warning: my personal life won't excite you because it essentially exists of studying, sleeping, eating, gym-ing, and showering for right now)
4) Occasionally, if I take them, there will be photos!
5) It's my goal to update this thing once a week. Bear with me as med school calls and I barely have time to faceplant into my pillow at night because it's bound to happen...especially with pharmacology -cue whimpering and fearful sounds-
OKAY! So let's get started. What is it that I want to talk about today?
How about this: I'll start out with a quick update about life.
For those of you just joining this adventure of mine, I started medical school at the VCU SOM back in August (and for those of you REALLY just starting, it has been my dream to go to medical school since I was 15 after shadowing Dr. Brown for the first time as a high school sophomore). Most of my time is spent in what I like to call my textbook cave...which is really just my laptop and a binder and condensed notes spread out over my tiny desk, but that's okay. So far, I really like the school. I made a really solid group of friends back in June when I was here for the prematriculation program, and I'm really thankful for that. I've met incredibly awesome people so far--and yes, we do go have fun sometimes!
Oh, oh, I passed my first exam too. Considering I didn't do so well in the prematriculation program, that was a big deal for me. Most of you who know me know that I am unbelievably thankful for all of my experiences at Roanoke College and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world, but, multiple choice tests aren't my thing...especially after having all short answer and essay questions for four years. I know my stuff and I know how to apply and see the big picture...buuuttt, regurgitation and choosing A, B, C or D really aren't my forte. I know that sounds strange, but hey, that's my life.
Things I'm good at: big picture (as I mentioned), tying things together, and patient skills. I love interviewing, probably because Dr. Brown decided to scare the crap out of college freshman Marguerite and throw her into patients rooms by herself and made her conduct interviews...and, occasionally, attempt to make Dxs. I love it!
Don't get me wrong, most of the time I think that I can do it. However, I have moments when I genuinely think that VCU picked the wrong file to choose for admittance back in February and I have the mild spaz attack of "I can't regurgitate I should've gone to grad school." I can tell you though that I have caved and started looking at grad school programs in one of said spaz attacks...and, well, it didn't feel right. Do I want to do research here? Yes, I would love to IF I don't get the latin american outreach trip that I want this summer. I think there's something else that I need, some other piece other than being just a physician...whatever that piece is. Sometimes I think it's being an environmental advocate, sometimes I think it's doing research on top of clinic, sometimes I think it's trying to barge into congress and tell them they're not doctors and they don't know what the hell they're talking about in terms of healthcare. Other times I think that my "extra" calling at that point of my life will be my bed as I'm a month into first year and I'm already pretty exhausted. We'll see, life's a journey...so why should this be any different? I'm slowly learning the only way to conquer challenges is by stopping the "I can't" bullshit and just doing it, even if it means faceplanting into the ground sometimes. I'll learn how not to faceplant next time (or, at least, I hope so).
Hmmm...Richmond. Richmond is cool, much different from the big bad worlds of Covington and Roanoke...I love the diversity, and the food here (and beer...Sam Smith's Organic Chocolate Stout is at one of my favorite bars!) is excellent. I love the culture and the opportunities to experience it--let's be real, the flower child's favorite thing is diversity. However, this flower child's other favorite thing is nature and there's really none of that here. I miss my mountains. I miss hiking terribly. I need some nature therapy ASAP, and maybe some horse therapy when I can fit it in. I'm looking forward to escaping the concrete jungle and getting lost in the forest.
Okay, eventually, I'll write more. But as of right now, I have a date with genetics that I'm late for (sorry, bae).
Take home message: ultreia. I'm focusing on what I can do in the here and now, learning from the past, and trying to be as positive as I can about the future. I've tried to stop the whole complaining thing too, because the way I see it...I'm just gonna complain about being tired for the rest of my life, and well, that gets redundant. No one likes redundancy, or bitching.
Toodaloo, ta-ta for now!
Marguerite
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