Just to start things off, I'm still surviving. I know it's been almost a month....sorry. Remember that first post where I told you about how I would barely have time to faceplant into my pillow at night around the time pharm started up? ....yeah. But, once again, I passed, and it's on to the next block.
Just to give you an idea of how things are going, I just took a nap on the floor of our Med Ed building. Shamelessly. It's not the first time, I guarantee it will not be the last.
To give you a look into my day: I wake up, after hitting snooze around 10 times, around 7:30 (though admittedly...I need to be up earlier). If I make it to my 8 AM by 8:05, it's a pretty good day. I've gotten really good at sleeping through my alarms (I think the record was 5 alarms), then cursing myself afterwards. If I make it on time, I'm in lecture for four hours every morning. If I'm lucky, I'm done at noon. But, for example, today I had my chest and lung physical exam, so I was done around 1:45. That's also a good day. We have days where they hit us with Patient, Physician, and Society and Population Health and we're here for 9 hours...it's about the same when we have our Practice of Clinical Medicine small groups.
After I'm done with class, I then study for hours on end, drag myself to the gym for necessary revitalization, then plant my face back into the laptop until around 12:30 when I maybe write in my journal and get a quick meditation end. Wake up, repeat.
I'm exhausted.
Admittedly, I was driving home from my first free weekend a few weeks ago, and I just thought.. "What if I quit?"
I could sleep. Forever. And it would be awesome.
I could have some normal eating regimen that doesn't consist of microwavable chicken nuggets and ramen.
I could have a social life.
I could go be outside...in the forest, not surrounded by concrete.
I could maybe be somewhat sane again (given my baseline, though...that's limited)
I could learn about things other than medicine, I could write, I could explore.
Most importantly, I would have time to understand who I am, because I've forgotten.
Yeah. It seemed tempting for about an hour or two--two months, four exams, and no break really took a toll on my sanity and my well-being in general.
And then I thought....what on earth would I do? Travel, yes, that is what I want to do. Oh, except wait, I don't have money, and no one is going to pay me to travel to explore and find out who I am (though if you know if any jobs...let me know).
And then I came back to the age old question of....grad school. Maybe I should've been an environmental microbiologist. You know, I really miss thinking about the environment, I'm passionate about it, and someone in our generation needs to give a damn before the damage to our planet gets to the point of no return.
I hate memorizing, I want to be creative, I want to be myself, and I WANT OUT.
I want out of what, though? Is it med school? Is it the lifestyle? Is it just the first two years? What makes me feel so trapped....all of the time?
Admittedly, I don't have the answer, but I'm figuring it out. Thankfully, we started a new block...and it's my faaaaavorite (no sarcasm!)--immunity and infection. Yes, I am the kid that sits at her table and goes OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL when she learns about how Listeria monocytogenes hijacks actin in cells to move around the body, or how Yersinia pestis kills macrophages, cuing concerned "wtf" looks from the rest of my table group.
So, I'm enjoying something again. That's a big step for me...because, well, I'm used to being happy-go-lucky (with...well..intermittent neuroses, fine), enjoying life, and waking up excited to start the day. I haven't had that since midway through physiology, and it has been...well, hard.
Medicine used to ignite such a flame in my heart, and I'm struggling to remember what lit the fire in the first place. I decided on my career when I was so young, and what if I missed the signs that I'm really meant to do something else? It's a noble profession, a beautiful one, but what if...it's not right?
I think the thing that has been getting me lately is that I know that there are other things that do fuel that fire, like discovery, teaching, the environment, biology in general (not just the med stuff), learning, and most importantly...making a difference. I guess, what I'm trying to figure out is if my passions have to be mutually exclusive and whether or not I've changed. And, the pressure that has been placed on me for years to come home and practice has admittedly been part of my questioning. Who am I really doing this journey for, and what the hell do I want out of it anyways?
I'm currently set up with some of the docs in the infectious disease department to talk about research and to get some shadowing in. I'm currently considering a Masters of Public Health (why I think tacking on a fifth year sounds like a good idea, I don't know) to see what options that will give me. I'm optimistic.
Maybe it's the commitment, knowing that I'm finally hitting that phase in my life where I'm settling down and actually set on a career. For the first time since I was fifteen, I genuinely feel like I have no idea what I want to do with my life....and, you know what, I'm realizing that it is okay.
I can tell you that I haven't quit yet though, and that means something. I think that passion is in my heart, somewhere, I just need to figure out how to keep it burning and its place in my life.
Oh, and I met a third year that actually said "it's nice not to be clinically depressed anymore" when referring to being done with the first two years and finally being in rotations. I've been told by Academic Services that third year will be a magical time for me, so we'll see.
Regardless, I'll figure it out. What's important is that right now, I figure myself out. That's more important than any exam I will ever take.
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