Just to start things off, I'm still surviving. I know it's been almost a month....sorry. Remember that first post where I told you about how I would barely have time to faceplant into my pillow at night around the time pharm started up? ....yeah. But, once again, I passed, and it's on to the next block.
Just to give you an idea of how things are going, I just took a nap on the floor of our Med Ed building. Shamelessly. It's not the first time, I guarantee it will not be the last.
To give you a look into my day: I wake up, after hitting snooze around 10 times, around 7:30 (though admittedly...I need to be up earlier). If I make it to my 8 AM by 8:05, it's a pretty good day. I've gotten really good at sleeping through my alarms (I think the record was 5 alarms), then cursing myself afterwards. If I make it on time, I'm in lecture for four hours every morning. If I'm lucky, I'm done at noon. But, for example, today I had my chest and lung physical exam, so I was done around 1:45. That's also a good day. We have days where they hit us with Patient, Physician, and Society and Population Health and we're here for 9 hours...it's about the same when we have our Practice of Clinical Medicine small groups.
After I'm done with class, I then study for hours on end, drag myself to the gym for necessary revitalization, then plant my face back into the laptop until around 12:30 when I maybe write in my journal and get a quick meditation end. Wake up, repeat.
I'm exhausted.
Admittedly, I was driving home from my first free weekend a few weeks ago, and I just thought.. "What if I quit?"
I could sleep. Forever. And it would be awesome.
I could have some normal eating regimen that doesn't consist of microwavable chicken nuggets and ramen.
I could have a social life.
I could go be outside...in the forest, not surrounded by concrete.
I could maybe be somewhat sane again (given my baseline, though...that's limited)
I could learn about things other than medicine, I could write, I could explore.
Most importantly, I would have time to understand who I am, because I've forgotten.
Yeah. It seemed tempting for about an hour or two--two months, four exams, and no break really took a toll on my sanity and my well-being in general.
And then I thought....what on earth would I do? Travel, yes, that is what I want to do. Oh, except wait, I don't have money, and no one is going to pay me to travel to explore and find out who I am (though if you know if any jobs...let me know).
And then I came back to the age old question of....grad school. Maybe I should've been an environmental microbiologist. You know, I really miss thinking about the environment, I'm passionate about it, and someone in our generation needs to give a damn before the damage to our planet gets to the point of no return.
I hate memorizing, I want to be creative, I want to be myself, and I WANT OUT.
I want out of what, though? Is it med school? Is it the lifestyle? Is it just the first two years? What makes me feel so trapped....all of the time?
Admittedly, I don't have the answer, but I'm figuring it out. Thankfully, we started a new block...and it's my faaaaavorite (no sarcasm!)--immunity and infection. Yes, I am the kid that sits at her table and goes OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL when she learns about how Listeria monocytogenes hijacks actin in cells to move around the body, or how Yersinia pestis kills macrophages, cuing concerned "wtf" looks from the rest of my table group.
So, I'm enjoying something again. That's a big step for me...because, well, I'm used to being happy-go-lucky (with...well..intermittent neuroses, fine), enjoying life, and waking up excited to start the day. I haven't had that since midway through physiology, and it has been...well, hard.
Medicine used to ignite such a flame in my heart, and I'm struggling to remember what lit the fire in the first place. I decided on my career when I was so young, and what if I missed the signs that I'm really meant to do something else? It's a noble profession, a beautiful one, but what if...it's not right?
I think the thing that has been getting me lately is that I know that there are other things that do fuel that fire, like discovery, teaching, the environment, biology in general (not just the med stuff), learning, and most importantly...making a difference. I guess, what I'm trying to figure out is if my passions have to be mutually exclusive and whether or not I've changed. And, the pressure that has been placed on me for years to come home and practice has admittedly been part of my questioning. Who am I really doing this journey for, and what the hell do I want out of it anyways?
I'm currently set up with some of the docs in the infectious disease department to talk about research and to get some shadowing in. I'm currently considering a Masters of Public Health (why I think tacking on a fifth year sounds like a good idea, I don't know) to see what options that will give me. I'm optimistic.
Maybe it's the commitment, knowing that I'm finally hitting that phase in my life where I'm settling down and actually set on a career. For the first time since I was fifteen, I genuinely feel like I have no idea what I want to do with my life....and, you know what, I'm realizing that it is okay.
I can tell you that I haven't quit yet though, and that means something. I think that passion is in my heart, somewhere, I just need to figure out how to keep it burning and its place in my life.
Oh, and I met a third year that actually said "it's nice not to be clinically depressed anymore" when referring to being done with the first two years and finally being in rotations. I've been told by Academic Services that third year will be a magical time for me, so we'll see.
Regardless, I'll figure it out. What's important is that right now, I figure myself out. That's more important than any exam I will ever take.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Physiology and love
Hi hi, sorry it has taken me so long to write my next post....I tried to keep up with the once a week thing, but then I started physiology. Anyone who has tried to be in contact with me since the block started knows that I barely had time to respond to text messages, much less take the time to write a blog.
In my own life: I got to see the mountains a few weekends ago, and I get to see them again this weekend. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as being surrounded by the grandiose mountains that I love so much. Brace yourself, here comes the hippie: to me, there's nothing quite like being surrounded by nature and being connected to the Earth. It makes me feel, well, free. Otherwise, I did get to see my family, and Matt (PS--I miss all of you Roanoke kids!) for a little bit and watch some football (even though the hokies had no idea how to substitute)...not having ESPN in my cable package is blasphemy, I tell you.
Unfortunately, this is mostly what my life has looked like (so it's not like I would've had time to watch football anyway):
Good news: I SURVIVED THAT PILE OF PAPERS (aka I just passed my physiology exam). Big props to all of my professors at Roanoke who taught me to understand things because I'm pretty sure that's why I was able to survive this one. I was so uncertain of myself while I was taking the exam--I was fairly confident that I wasn't getting enough questions right because this exam was the hardest exam I've had in a looonnngggg time. My adrenal medulla was stimulated by my sympathetic nervous system when I clicked submit (ha, ha) and I had such a huge adrenaline (epi) surge that I'm pretty sure the people around me could hear my sigh of relief and my legs were shaky when I stood up to leave.
Bad news: for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that I've been excited about VCU's HOMBRE program since I found out about it my junior year of college at VCU's open house. It combined basically everything that I want: Spanish, working with underserved populations, traveling, and how to manage community health (yes, I am that kid that likes pop health). And, for those of you who really know me, you know I love ranting about the water crisis. Several of projects were focused on improving water quality and reducing waterborne illness. Unfortunately, I was put on the wait list. It was a little bit of a blow right before my physiology exam because I wanted it sooooo badly, but I'm sure it happened for a reason.
Actually, I'm just starting to think I'm not meant to go to Peru. (considering that was my number one choice for this trip and my original trip to Peru for mayterm got cancelled...which, might I add, was a blessing in disguise--the Camino changed my life!)
On the bright side, I may go visit Victoria in Spain? Maybe go to Colorado with dad? If I don't wind up doing research....not sure if I want to work in a lab, mostly because public health projects tickle my fancy a little more. I really have a passion for the environment, in case you've never seen my car plastered with hippie stickers like : I <3 Mountains, or Ignore the environment, it will go away, or the Darwin fish. I feel like public health opens up some doors for me to tie the environment and our health, and how keeping both of them in good shape is better for us in the long run. But....
Qué será, será.
One more exciting thing: I have contacted an infectious disease specialist with basically all of the same interests as mine so I will be able to shadow him in November. I'll keep you all posted as to how that goes. :)
Ok. As far as other things I'd like to talk about...
I'm sure that I'll get some disgruntled feedback (whether or not it's actually given to me) from saying this, but I don't care so here's what I think. I've investigated religions of all types since high school, I've been searching for something that fits me and I haven't quite found my mold yet. I'm somewhere close to Buddhism, I like Jesus, and I think the Hindus have some pretty cool points: the idea of Brahman and a proverb stating, "there are many paths up the same mountain, and as long as you take your path in good faith, you will reach the top." Every time I meditate/pray (mostly, I call it sending good vibes), I search for this spiritual connection. When I find said spiritual connection....it's overpowering love, and it's amazing. And it's in this moment, right now. Not the past. Not the future. Now.
Gandhi, one of the most amazing people to walk the earth, in my opinion, has this to say: God is love. God is truth.
I've always thought those things, as they are as pure and as good as they could be. But last night, while I was deep in meditation...it occurred to me: what if God is the love that is shared between all creatures? Just an interesting thought of mine, and it seemed to fit. Love overpowers evil. God, being, whatever you wanna call it is the love force between all people, the truth force, regardless of religion.
I don't think that God has a religion. I think that religions are used, when they are used for good, to uncover this powerful love. The powerful love of Jesus that the Bible preaches, the Namaste that I say at the end of every meditation...it's the same thing.
Unless South Park is right, and only Mormons go to heaven.
Anywhozzle, this brings me to the importance of this powerful love. With recent events in the news, the world seems mildly chaotic from ISIS to Jesse Matthews. Maybe, it's just the flaming flower-child at the root of my soul...but I don't get angry with ISIS. I get sad, disheartened. I only pray that one day they know love, that somehow love reaches them and touches their souls because they have all obviously been taught only hatred. (Sidenote: I really feel like Acts of Faith by Eboo Patel is almost essential for truly understanding this ongoing crisis) I just don't think fighting them with hatred at the core of our hearts will do us any good. I'm not against the war against them, in fact, I am for it. They need to be stopped...they like killing, which terrifies me (and obviously proves that they do not know the true meaning of being/God/love) and I have full respect and gratitude for the people risking their lives to protect us from such hatred. But do I think that once defeated, every person in that community should be killed? Never.
As far as Matthews goes, it has been an unsettling reminder to me for reasons that I will choose not to discuss. He's a sociopath, undoubtedly. However, even if he is a serial killer... Hating him won't solve anything, though I certainly understand the grief and anger all of the families must be experiencing and sympathize whole heartedly. Killing him via the death penalty, however, does not seem to be the answer to me...neither does applauding his death if it is to happen. It just has never made sense to me to kill someone else for killing. And really...is there any real humane way to kill? In the words of Gandhi, again, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Strangely enough, an act of love actually MEANS not being manipulated and instead standing up for the right thing. It's not about being mushy gushy and being a pushover or allowing a person/group of persons to continue with destructive behavior...when the occasion calls for it, it's quite the opposite.
It greatly disturbed me to hear of the man who beheaded someone in the united states after finding out he lost his job, but it disturbed me even more to hear a police officer who had had contact with him several years prior say "if I would have known, I would have killed the son of a bitch then." Stand up for what's right, don't be manipulated...but fighting hatred with more hatred only fuels the fire you were trying to extinguish in the first place.
Granted, who am I kidding. I don't know all of the answers, I just hope that the good force in the world remains strong.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hatred cannot extinguish hatred, only love can do that.
-Marguerite
In my own life: I got to see the mountains a few weekends ago, and I get to see them again this weekend. There's nothing quite as rejuvenating as being surrounded by the grandiose mountains that I love so much. Brace yourself, here comes the hippie: to me, there's nothing quite like being surrounded by nature and being connected to the Earth. It makes me feel, well, free. Otherwise, I did get to see my family, and Matt (PS--I miss all of you Roanoke kids!) for a little bit and watch some football (even though the hokies had no idea how to substitute)...not having ESPN in my cable package is blasphemy, I tell you.
Unfortunately, this is mostly what my life has looked like (so it's not like I would've had time to watch football anyway):
Good news: I SURVIVED THAT PILE OF PAPERS (aka I just passed my physiology exam). Big props to all of my professors at Roanoke who taught me to understand things because I'm pretty sure that's why I was able to survive this one. I was so uncertain of myself while I was taking the exam--I was fairly confident that I wasn't getting enough questions right because this exam was the hardest exam I've had in a looonnngggg time. My adrenal medulla was stimulated by my sympathetic nervous system when I clicked submit (ha, ha) and I had such a huge adrenaline (epi) surge that I'm pretty sure the people around me could hear my sigh of relief and my legs were shaky when I stood up to leave.
Bad news: for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that I've been excited about VCU's HOMBRE program since I found out about it my junior year of college at VCU's open house. It combined basically everything that I want: Spanish, working with underserved populations, traveling, and how to manage community health (yes, I am that kid that likes pop health). And, for those of you who really know me, you know I love ranting about the water crisis. Several of projects were focused on improving water quality and reducing waterborne illness. Unfortunately, I was put on the wait list. It was a little bit of a blow right before my physiology exam because I wanted it sooooo badly, but I'm sure it happened for a reason.
Actually, I'm just starting to think I'm not meant to go to Peru. (considering that was my number one choice for this trip and my original trip to Peru for mayterm got cancelled...which, might I add, was a blessing in disguise--the Camino changed my life!)
On the bright side, I may go visit Victoria in Spain? Maybe go to Colorado with dad? If I don't wind up doing research....not sure if I want to work in a lab, mostly because public health projects tickle my fancy a little more. I really have a passion for the environment, in case you've never seen my car plastered with hippie stickers like : I <3 Mountains, or Ignore the environment, it will go away, or the Darwin fish. I feel like public health opens up some doors for me to tie the environment and our health, and how keeping both of them in good shape is better for us in the long run. But....
Qué será, será.
One more exciting thing: I have contacted an infectious disease specialist with basically all of the same interests as mine so I will be able to shadow him in November. I'll keep you all posted as to how that goes. :)
Ok. As far as other things I'd like to talk about...
I'm sure that I'll get some disgruntled feedback (whether or not it's actually given to me) from saying this, but I don't care so here's what I think. I've investigated religions of all types since high school, I've been searching for something that fits me and I haven't quite found my mold yet. I'm somewhere close to Buddhism, I like Jesus, and I think the Hindus have some pretty cool points: the idea of Brahman and a proverb stating, "there are many paths up the same mountain, and as long as you take your path in good faith, you will reach the top." Every time I meditate/pray (mostly, I call it sending good vibes), I search for this spiritual connection. When I find said spiritual connection....it's overpowering love, and it's amazing. And it's in this moment, right now. Not the past. Not the future. Now.
Gandhi, one of the most amazing people to walk the earth, in my opinion, has this to say: God is love. God is truth.
I've always thought those things, as they are as pure and as good as they could be. But last night, while I was deep in meditation...it occurred to me: what if God is the love that is shared between all creatures? Just an interesting thought of mine, and it seemed to fit. Love overpowers evil. God, being, whatever you wanna call it is the love force between all people, the truth force, regardless of religion.
I don't think that God has a religion. I think that religions are used, when they are used for good, to uncover this powerful love. The powerful love of Jesus that the Bible preaches, the Namaste that I say at the end of every meditation...it's the same thing.
Unless South Park is right, and only Mormons go to heaven.
Anywhozzle, this brings me to the importance of this powerful love. With recent events in the news, the world seems mildly chaotic from ISIS to Jesse Matthews. Maybe, it's just the flaming flower-child at the root of my soul...but I don't get angry with ISIS. I get sad, disheartened. I only pray that one day they know love, that somehow love reaches them and touches their souls because they have all obviously been taught only hatred. (Sidenote: I really feel like Acts of Faith by Eboo Patel is almost essential for truly understanding this ongoing crisis) I just don't think fighting them with hatred at the core of our hearts will do us any good. I'm not against the war against them, in fact, I am for it. They need to be stopped...they like killing, which terrifies me (and obviously proves that they do not know the true meaning of being/God/love) and I have full respect and gratitude for the people risking their lives to protect us from such hatred. But do I think that once defeated, every person in that community should be killed? Never.
As far as Matthews goes, it has been an unsettling reminder to me for reasons that I will choose not to discuss. He's a sociopath, undoubtedly. However, even if he is a serial killer... Hating him won't solve anything, though I certainly understand the grief and anger all of the families must be experiencing and sympathize whole heartedly. Killing him via the death penalty, however, does not seem to be the answer to me...neither does applauding his death if it is to happen. It just has never made sense to me to kill someone else for killing. And really...is there any real humane way to kill? In the words of Gandhi, again, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Strangely enough, an act of love actually MEANS not being manipulated and instead standing up for the right thing. It's not about being mushy gushy and being a pushover or allowing a person/group of persons to continue with destructive behavior...when the occasion calls for it, it's quite the opposite.
It greatly disturbed me to hear of the man who beheaded someone in the united states after finding out he lost his job, but it disturbed me even more to hear a police officer who had had contact with him several years prior say "if I would have known, I would have killed the son of a bitch then." Stand up for what's right, don't be manipulated...but fighting hatred with more hatred only fuels the fire you were trying to extinguish in the first place.
Granted, who am I kidding. I don't know all of the answers, I just hope that the good force in the world remains strong.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hatred cannot extinguish hatred, only love can do that.
-Marguerite
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